What does it mean to be an Adult, and help children behave appropriately?

As a parent you want to teach your child to behave appropriately, even when upset. So, what happens when you the parent acts out of control when you get upset?

When talking with friends about what it means to be an adult, you may hear many different answers. An answer I would hope you will hear is that adults have a higher level of emotional maturity and can admit when they make mistakes. So, what happens when a parent struggles to control their emotions and make the mistake of yelling or fighting with their child or partner?

A close friend once said that adults are just kids who have more life experience and wisdom. To me, this made perfect sense. So as an adult, with wisdom, what do we do when our child loses their temper? Probably make them apologize and reflect on how to not let this happen again in the future! Well guess what, the same wisdom applies to us! If we lose our temper in front of our children, or even within earshot of them, the best thing you can do is wait until you are calm and have a tough but loving conversation about how you messed up. Be the adult. Be a role model for how you want your children to handle themselves. Show your child that you too understand how hard it is to control emotions at times. Show your child that you too are working on the same things they are.

Before we jump into some examples of words to use with your child, I want to make it clear that I am not talking about domestic violence. For the purpose of this blog, I am addressing adults struggling with emotion regulation. If you are either a perpetrator or victim of domestic violence, I highly recommend that you seek professional help, as raising your child in a domestic violence situation truly does horrendous things to your child’s psyche. If your child witness's domestic violence they too likely need help and need to be explained that what they experienced was not only scary but illegal. Children often blame themselves for the violence or learn to justify bad behaviors.

So, let’s jump into looking at how to handle a real-life example of a time we may lose our tempers as parents! Let’s say your family is running late for an appointment. You are feeling stressed and thinking in your mind of all the things you need to grab before running out the door when you notice your child is lying on the couch with no shirt on. You yell “get up we have to go right now” as you run up the stairs. When you come back down, you see that your child has not moved. Your face suddenly becomes hot as your hands squeeze into fists. Before you know it you are two feet away from your child's face screaming “what is wrong with you? You know we have to go right now, and you are going to be the reason we are late. What a selfish jerk!” They jump up, gather their things and meet you in the car. Wow, time out! Let's dive into what just happened. Let’s talk about the bad behaviors you just role modeled for your child. You made your child question if they are a defect. You called them names. You taught them to jump into action through self-shame as opposed to a healthy obligation or out of respect for your time. I also understand if your first thought is to cut me off and say, “but my they should have” or “they didn’t listen to me.” How would those words be accepted by you if they came from your child’s lips while trying to justify being suspended from school? I would imagine that you would tell them that it didn’t matter that the other kid was not following the rules, they are still expected to act appropriately. Well, fellow parents, with all of our adult wisdom, we are held to an even higher standard! In this situation, you just let your emotions take over your body. I say all of this not to promote self-shame onto you as a parent, but as a way to help you identify the hidden but real consequences instances like this can have.

So, if the above situation resonates with you, I encourage you to do something about it. Once calm talk to your child. Look them in the eye and apologize. Tell them "Hey I lost my temper. I am very sorry for showing you how not to behave. I should have never called you names or put you down. I hope you know that there is nothing wrong with you. I will try to do better in the future."

None of us are done growing. There is no perfect way to parent, but if this blog spoke to you, please check out my website. Parenting is hard, let's do it together!