Raising Children.

Raising children in a two-parent loving home is hard. However, raising children on your own with a co-parent who you can no longer stand to look in the eye can be soul crushing.  

As a child therapist, I can honestly say that some of the hardest cases I have ever dealt with are children from split homes, where they have parents who can’t stand one another. These poor children are bathed in anxiety. They can’t escape from their parents’ misery and fears. Their world feels unstable.  

I honestly hope that what I am about to type seems shocking because sometimes a shock to the system is the only way to bring change; let's say there are two new therapy cases that need my help. One case is a child who experienced sexual violence, and the other is a child from a toxic split home. Then you asked me who I felt more confident about helping, I would choose the sexual assault case. This is how serious this topic is!  

I understand that there may be serious legitimate reasons you may dislike your ex. However, your ex shares the same DNA that is running through your child’s veins. Children think differently than adults. When you put down their parent, they absolutely feel like you are putting them down too. Children are wired to love their parents and want to connect with them, actually they NEED to connect with them.  

A huge job of a parent is to keep our children’s nervous systems calm. This is why we hold our crying babies and kiss their skinned knees. If they have a calm nervous system, they will be better prepared for anything life throws at them. If they have a calm nervous system, they will be able to think more clearly and make better decisions based on truth and not fear.  

I also understand that an important part of parenting is educating our children on what is right and wrong. If your ex is known to scream and throw temper tantrums when upset, it is understandable that you want to protect your child from witnessing this type of behavior. So, when your child comes home and says that dad threw a pizza against the wall because the dog peed on the carpet, it’s understandable that rage will cloud your vision. However, I will challenge you not to let your child see the rage. If you can stay calm and talk about the situation in an unassuming way, it will allow your child to truly see how wrong the emotional reaction was that dad displayed. If you jump to rage, your child will learn that having emotional outbursts is just part of life. If you start talking about what an idiot, the other parent is your child will feel unsafe. If you remain as a calm presence for your child, they will feel more comfortable to come to you if there are unsafe things happening in the other home. Someone has to be the bigger person. If your ex overacts and then you overreact when your child tells you about it, your child will likely start keeping things from you. Your child wants peace. Show them what peace looks and feels like.  

There is so much more to say on this topic, so I am sure I will write more about split homes in the future. Remember there is no perfect way to parent, but if this blog spoke to you, please check out my website. Parenting is hard, let's do it together!