The Hard Conversation, A Divorce.

How to tell your child you are getting a divorce. 

If reading this blog topic makes your stomach turn because you know this is a conversation you need to have, I completely feel you! There is no perfect way to have this discussion, but being intentional with how you do so is important.  Even after reading blogs like this, you may make mistakes when emotions run high by saying things you know you should not have.  If that happens, let your child know that you went too far and apologize.  You are human and this conversation will be tough!  

First, I recommend thinking about the words you want to say.

Use direct but kind language. Practice saying the words several times until you can say them out loud without major emotions attached. Again, be direct, the longer you talk to them about how this is a hard conversation, or that you want them to know how much they are loved before you say what you are about the say, the more the inner tension will build in you both. When ready, I recommend coming right out with it. Maybe something like "Hey I'm so glad we got this time to chat today because I wanted to talk to you about something. Dad and I are getting divorced."  

As I am typing, I need to pause and take a deep breath. If you are facing this situation, I am sure you need to as well.  

Once you have practiced the words you plan to use, it's time to reflect on the words you do not plan to use. Be mindful not to put your soon to be ex partner down. Remember your child is half of them, so if you put them down, your child may actually feel like you are putting them down too. Also, there may be contentious issues that you and your partner are still working on like who gets the house, so if that comes up, you need to be prepared to let your child know that it is something you and your spouse are going to figure out. Maybe be ready to say something like "please feel free to ask as many questions as you want to, but I can't promise you I will have an answer for all of them right now."  

Timing is another important aspect to consider.

For some of you, this will mean looking at the weekend calendar, while others may decide to wait until the conversation comes up naturally. No matter which of these two options you choose, being flexible and mindful of your child's emotional headspace as well as what plans your child may have for that day is very important. For example, you may think this Saturday around 3pm seems like a good time but that Saturday at 2pm they got into a fight with their best friend making 3pm a bad time for this talk. Another important thing to consider is to make sure both you and your child's basic needs are met. We have a higher emotional tolerance when we have a good night's sleep and food in our bellies. This is not a conversation to rush or force.  

Deciding to talk to your child about the divorce as a family or individually is also a decision that will likely need to be made. Again, there are lots of variables to consider here.  If there is any type of abuse or if one partner does not control their emotional responses well, I would recommend separately.  If you cannot agree on what needs to be said, I would also recommend separate conversations.  If you are the one reading this blog because this conversation is going to happen soon and your partner has no interest in reading it or at least having a conversation about how to handle this conversation...... separately.  

Lastly, be ready to give your children reassurance.

They need to know that they are going to be okay.  That no matter what happens, they will be loved and taken care of. They also need to know that both of their parents will be okay. Your children love you both and will likely worry about your physical and emotional needs just as much as you worry about theirs. As time goes on, they may voice specific concerns about money, the family home, if you as parents will be able to get along, and so on.  Be prepared to continue to reassure.  Sometimes you may not know the answer to a specific question. When this happens be honest, yet again, reassuring. For example, they may ask if you will do Christmas as a family this year? An honest answer may be "we are not sure, yet what Christmas will look like but no matter what we will celebrate Christmas and still make it as special as possible." 

I am so sorry if you have to have this conversation but am I so proud of you for trying to find the right way to do so. There is no perfect way to parent, but if you like this blog please feel free to follow for more information.  On my website I also have another blog titled "Raising Children" which focuses on how to get along after the divorce. Sending thoughts of peace and love!